The Rest of Respite

The Oxford dictionary defines “rest” as to “cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.”  

As a Mom, a born over-achiever, and a woman with the name given to me at birth that means “busy bee” (Debbie), I don’t think I cease work or movement unless I’m going to sleep.  I am horrible at resting.   I like to go-go-go.  I like to achieve.  I like to accomplish.   However, I am also keenly aware of the Lord’s invitation for us to rest, and in fact Jesus himself gave us that model when he would go off to rest and pray. 

When we were deep in the throes of foster parenting a toddler boy and a baby boy, I was valiantly still trying to juggle all the balls and look as though I was doing it with grace.   I would share with my college students’ stories of life “in the trenches” but outside of the difficult court dates, numerous mandatory appointments, and volumes of paperwork, I tried hard to believe I had all the things covered and needed no help.  Until one day, one of my young female students came into my office.  I assumed she was coming for my help, for spiritual accompaniment.  She sat down in the comfy chair in my office reserved for such conversations, and she said, “Hey, I want you to take out your calendar.”  Confused, I got my planner out and bemusedly asked what was up.  She said, “I know you and your husband have gone on a silent retreat every year since you got married.  I know the retreat center you go to, and I looked at the next couple’s retreat date.  It’s in November.  You should go.” 

I laughed at this, because I thought, “Um, we have these two boys to take care of, and we don’t have anyone to watch them for an extended weekend so we can go on a retreat.”  I vocalized something to that effect, but she already had a retort.  This beautiful 21-year-old college student said “I want to do the respite training so I can watch them for you.  I’ve already looked into it.”   Even re-typing this story brings tears to my eyes, just like it did back then nearly 4 years ago.  She was a busy nursing student.  Her calendar was always filled.  She was a remarkable student leader.   And this holy woman had seen through my “I got this” attitude and also realized how much I reminded my students to get away for a retreat.  She wanted to gift that back to me. 

For me, a retreat is the other definition of the word “rest”.  This rest is what one would find in a musical score.  It is a symbol.  Oxford defines that rest as “an interval of silence for a specified duration”.  My student was offering my husband and I just this kind of rest.   Her generosity overwhelmed me.   She urged me that day to sign up for the retreat.  To commit to it, and that she was going to get all her respite training done and spend the long weekend loving our two foster sons while we rested in the Lord. 

As a foster parent, you NEED rest.  You NEED respite.  We returned from that retreat rested (the sleep was so good!) and rejuvenated for the rocky journey that foster care can be. 

If you are someone who doesn’t foster, but supports foster families, consider getting trained to provide respite.  I can tell you that her gift was one of the most beautiful, unexpected gifts I have ever received from someone.  She stepped into the chaos, gave our foster sons a wonderful weekend, and gave us the strength we needed for the months that followed that were hard… filled with more court dates, mediation, and hope of adoption.   Respite is as essential as all the mandatory trainings you must take to be a foster parent.  It is life giving, and it is restorative.  It is a priceless gift I will forever be grateful for. 

We took a break from fostering after an adoption and a family reunification.  We are now back in the trainings to re-open our home.  That young college student has since graduated, gotten married, and started her little family.  Yet another dear friend of mine who has walked with us in our foster journey, offered to get trained to provide respite so we could have someone to give us a break now and then.   She is in a season of life where she can do that, and oh how grateful am I for her sacrificial offer.  

Thank you God for planting the desire to provide respite on the hearts of those who accompany foster families.  And thank you to the people who hear that call upon their heart and respond, “Yes” to it!   

Debbie and her husband Justin have been married for 5 years.  Debbie has two adult sons, and together she and Justin have fostered three children and adopted one.  Both Debbie and her husband work for the Church.  Debbie has worked in Campus Ministry for 24 years, and loves every minute of it!  She thinks college students are some of the coolest people in the world!  And they make great babysitters!